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托福作文评分再解读

来源:朗阁教育17-09-28编辑:朗阁小编0人看过

朗阁老师经常会遇到这样的考生:听力水准很好,阅读分数也很高,但是综合写作考试两次都是FAIR, 独立写作也是同样的命运。其实仔细分析该考生的作文后,发现此考生仅仅是埋头刷听力和阅读,而对写作的评分标准却一知半解。

朗阁老师经常会遇到这样的考生:听力水准很好,阅读分数也很高,但是综合写作考试两次都是FAIR, 独立写作也是同样的命运。其实仔细分析该考生的作文后,发现此考生仅仅是埋头刷听力和阅读,而对写作的评分标准却一知半解。

 

笔者想通过此文帮助更多一直徘徊在FAIR分数的考生取得理想的托福写作分数。本文中,笔者将分别从综合写作和独立写作FAIR的评分结合具体的例子加以诠释。(本文在分析时不分析书写中的语言错误—毕竟语法方面的问题多数考生还是关注的,但是对于评分方面往往容易忽视。)

 

一、综合写作FAIR评分

You responded to the task, relating the lecture to the reading, but your response indicates weaknesses such as:

A: an important idea or ideas may be missing, unclear or inaccurate

对于这个诠释,包含了三个信息(重要信息点遗失、表达不清楚、或不准确)。笔者将分别通过TPO真题和2010年的部分综合写作机经来呈现上面的关键扣分字眼:

 

MISSING:这个片段节选自TPO 30的第一个分论点:原文阅读第一个点说的是GREEK没有技术制造burning mirror; 听力细节的关键字眼是GREEK, use dozen of pieces of copper…shape parabolic shape… mathematician… know the feature of shape…

 

First of all, the reading material tells that the ancient Greeks did not have such technology to make such a large device. However, the lecturer says that the Greeks didn’t need to form a single sheet of cooper to make such a large mirror. They can make several small pieces and put them together to form a big parabolic mirror.

这个段落基本是按照听力信息点来写的,但是数字信息(DOZEN OF)遗漏了。为了更好地提醒自己听力中的数字信息点,笔者推荐练习TPO 7(第二个听力点)和TPO 9(第一个听力点)---避免这个扣分项目的办法就是一定要看懂阅读的每一个点及其后面的例子或解释的句子。比如说TPO 20的第三个阅读点:salvage logging is beneficial to the economy.但是后面的例子有两个:industrial usage(1); creating more jobs for the local people (2). 如果考生们注意到了有两个例子支持的话,那么在听力录音中就要记得是有相应的两个例子的。

 

INACCURATE:Firstly, the article suggests that the ancient Greeks do not have the technology to manufacture a large sheet of copper. However, the lecture holds the view that the ancient Greeks do not need to make a large sheet of copper.They can use many small coppers which are easy to make to focus the same sunlight with sufficient intensity as the large one does.

划线的句子和上面的笔记相比就是不准确的表达。---其实这个错误的根本原因在于考生确实没有听到,为了达到字数编造的可能性很大。

 

同理,另一位考生的片段书写,根据笔记看,dozen考生换成了a bunch of, 但是划线的句子是听力细节中没有提及的,but the speaker contends that they did not need the sheet at all, because experiments showed that a bunch of pieces copper could easily cause fire on ship and their mathematician knew how to curve the mirror.

 

UNCLEAR:2010年10月31日的综合习作阅读片段:because wave farms are built underwater, its impact on the local environment is negligible. 听力对应的细节是fish affect, birds depending on fish also… influence,  scientists … toxic fluid substance harm to fish。其实对于这个录音来说,考生们获得信息是不难的,并没有什么很困难的单词,但是考生们听到influence后面的笔记就不记了,…, while the professor argues that marine fish can be affected. Also, birds relying on fish can be vulnerable as well. 那么问题就来了,fish是怎么被影响了?那么这样的书写就会由于unclear被扣分。其实同样还有TPO 8关于回忆录的一个片段:第一个点说的是这个人回忆录是捏造的,他并没有钱,因为他借了很多钱。考生们听到的录音是这样的:...However, the lecturer points out that the man was wealthy because he had to wait for money to come. 看这个片段的困惑是等哪里的钱来?天上的馅饼?如果接着听下去录音的解释就表达清楚了:the fact that he had to sell his property to get money for the party or gambling , while having access to the money needs to take some time. ---为了避免这个错误是很容易的,听题中自己多设置疑问,是否不符合逻辑?不符合逻辑的地方就会主动去获得不该丢失的信息!

 

B: there may be unclear in how the lecture and the reading passage are related

这个扣分的意思在于考生在书写时没有做好听力和阅读的“搭”---这就和我们平时穿衣服要配衣服的感觉是一样的:搭配的好,视觉感就美,反之亦然。---避免这个错误的方法就是看懂阅读点。比如说TPO9的第一个点:很多考生会找错地方,看成了段落第一句,而其实第一句说的是internal conbustion engine的缺点,考生没有意识到阅读位置的错误,自然与听力就很不“搭”:the hydrogen energy not easy available produce difficult...pure liquid, purification…also, store, minus 235 degrees。

 

二、独立作文FAIR为何扣分

1. Your expressed ideas with reasons, examples, and details and your response indicated weaknesses such as:

---you may not provide specific support and development for your main points.

这个考分原因有以下诠释:有论据,但是论据不够;有论据,由于论据不够段落不develop。

A: 有论据

笔者呈现一个在平时批改中的片段(题目关于是过去还是现在教师受到社会重视),Teachers are entitled to more public welfare than in the past, so that is why I think society shows greater appreciation to teachers these days. As we all know, teaching can be a painstaking job and the lack of outdoor exercise makes teachers more susceptible to health crises such as gastropathy. Take the United States as an example, public school teachers are provided with free medical treatment by insurance companies. Plus, they also receive annual medical check-up which helps them be aware of their body statusthe government offers better welfare to teachers than they did in the past, which indicates that today’s teachers are more respected.所谓有论据的意思是,考题中重要字眼的具体化。本题主要说对教师的重视,文中提及到了美国的公办学校的教师的待遇。

 

再举一个反面的例子,一个无论据的段落是什么样子的:First, we get more references when making the decisions. Nowadays, we could get some necessary information through various ways like the TV or internet so that we gain much more opinion about the society and the world. As a result, it is easier for us to take personal decisions because we know our minds better. In the past, there are no advanced digital products and the young could just make their decisions by themselves or just listen to their parents. At that time, many people's thoughts are out-dated and it may sometimes affect one's decision making. At present, instead, we make our decisions by searching on the Internet or watching some relative programs on the TV to get more guidance---仔细读后发现,段落里more reference没有具体的例子;同样making decision什么决定也没有,那就更谈不上有足够的论据了。

 

B: 有足够的证据

Teachers are entitled to more public welfare than in the past, so that is why I think society shows greater appreciation to teachers these days. As we all know,teaching can be a painstaking job and the lack of outdoor exercise makes teachers more susceptible to health crises such as gastropathy. Take the United States as an example, public school teachers are provided with free medical treatment by insurance companies. Plus, they also receive annual medical check-up which helps them be aware of their body status.For another example, teachers in China can get paid during summer vacations when they do not have classes. Decades earlier, however, teachers could not benefit from this policy and their average salary was much lower. It is obvious that the government offers better welfare to teachers than they did in the past, which indicates that today’s teachers are more respected---不仅说到美国的老师,也提及到了中国的老师在漫长的暑假不上班也有工资。

 

C: 有足够的证据段落的发展

(下面这个片段研究的是play with friends and simple toys & rely too much on online games, computer or social network)

First of all, playing outside with friends is good for the health. For example, I always go outside with my friends to play basketball together. In the common situation, playing one competition needs fifty minutes, but in the fact we not only play the game, but also spend more time practicing the basketball skills, such as point shot and dribble. At the same time, during the competition, we need to constant confrontations, run, jump, snatch the ball and so on, so we can get a lot of exercise and all of us are very strong and tall. However, children who like to depend too much on the technology usually ignore the importance of the physical exercise, and most of them like to play the cell phone or computer games in the house, and this will lead to obesity and myopia. Obviously, playing outside with friends is good for the health development of children.在这个段落书写中,可以看到孩子关于论点play outside具体的例子书写;而且书写详细(足够的例子),而且有机的和反方对象对比,并且对比点相关---健康要素。

 

D: 段落的发展

书写中必要的解释(粗体字显示)和细节(斜体字展示),会使得读者明白前因后果,更加觉得有说服力。

First of all, young people these days are more willing to spend time improve the world because they are influenced by the internet. In other words, the internet makes it easier for young people to share their ideas. For example, they can use Youtube as a platform to express themselves. There are a bunch of teenage Youtubers who make innovative videos about their views towards politics and world-wide events. Few years ago, a Pakistani youth Malala Yousafzai gained tremendous public attention. She wrote a letter to the BBC concerning the gender inequality in her country and people around the world heard her story through the internet. They worked together and solved her country’s problem. Malala’s story widely spread on the internet which inspired a lot more youngsters to stand up and improve their country. However, in the past, it was difficult for ambitious youngsters to be heard and appreciated by the world because of less prevalent internet. Therefore, their ability to contribute to the world was limited.

 

2. Your ideas may be difficult to follow because of how you organize your essays…简单的说就是论据和论点是两回事,大家各唱各的戏。请看一个段落书写:

Second, spending too much time on these virtual technologies makes children more and more difficult to accept education from others. No matter using cell phone and social networking Web site or playing the online games is an activity which lacks face to face communication. Although children can learn something from these technologies, they can also become solitary if they spend too much time on these virtual technologies. For example, my cousin was a famous player in an online game because of his high ranks. He really acquired a lot of pleasure and respect from the game(具体的游戏?). So once he had time, he must be in front of the computer playing that game. He found he could enjoy more in the game than in real life. Then he became a person hated to have communication with others and lived in his own world. Finally, he had no ways but to quit school.---从论据来看,和论点不搭,貌似是个性改变。

 

综上所述,新托福综合写作要注意在书写时听力细节是很重要的,不能遗失重要点;要说明白;不要编造录音内容,确保准确;还要注意的是阅读和听力之间的书写一定要“搭”。对于独立写作,题目中的关键字眼一定要在书写时呈现论据;用足够的细节和段落论点后的必要解释来很好地发展段落。

 

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